GULLIVER’S
TRAVELS
PART 14
CHAPTER VI.
Several contrivances of the
author to please the king and queen. He shows his skill in music.
The king inquires into the state of England, which the author relates to
him. The king’s observations thereon.
I used to
attend the king’s levee once or twice a week, and had often seen him under the
barber’s hand, which indeed was at first very terrible to behold; for the razor
was almost twice as long as an ordinary scythe. His majesty, according to
the custom of the country, was only shaved twice a-week. I once prevailed
on the barber to give me some of the suds or lather, out of which I picked
forty or fifty of the strongest stumps of hair. I then took a piece of
fine wood, and cut it like the back of a comb, making several holes in it at equal
distances with as small a needle as I could get from Glumdalclitch. I
fixed in the stumps so artificially, scraping and sloping them with my knife
toward the points, that I made a very tolerable comb; which was a seasonable
supply, my own being so much broken in the teeth, that it was almost useless:
neither did I know any artist in that country so nice and exact, as would
undertake to make me another.
And this
puts me in mind of an amusement, wherein I spent many of my leisure
hours. I desired the queen’s woman to save for me the combings of her
majesty’s hair, whereof in time I got a good quantity; and consulting with my
friend the cabinet-maker, who had received general orders to do little jobs for
me, I directed him to make two chair-frames, no larger than those I had in my
box, and to bore little holes with a fine awl, round those parts where I
designed the backs and seats; through these holes I wove the strongest hairs I
could pick out, just after the manner of cane chairs in England. When
they were finished, I made a present of them to her majesty; who kept them in
her cabinet, and used to show them for curiosities, as indeed they were the
wonder of every one that beheld them. The queen would have me sit upon
one of these chairs, but I absolutely refused to obey her, protesting I would
rather die than place a dishonourable part of my body on those precious hairs,
that once adorned her majesty’s head. Of these hairs (as I had always a
mechanical genius) I likewise made a neat little purse, about five feet long,
with her majesty’s name deciphered in gold letters, which I gave to
Glumdalclitch, by the queen’s consent. To say the truth, it was more for
show than use, being not of strength to bear the weight of the larger coins,
and therefore she kept nothing in it but some little toys that girls are fond
of.
The king,
who delighted in music, had frequent concerts at court, to which I was
sometimes carried, and set in my box on a table to hear them: but the noise was
so great that I could hardly distinguish the tunes. I am confident that
all the drums and trumpets of a royal army, beating and sounding together just
at your ears, could not equal it. My practice was to have my box removed
from the place where the performers sat, as far as I could, then to shut the
doors and windows of it, and draw the window curtains; after which I found
their music not disagreeable.
I had
learned in my youth to play a little upon the spinet. Glumdalclitch kept
one in her chamber, and a master attended twice a-week to teach her: I called
it a spinet, because it somewhat resembled that instrument, and was played upon
in the same manner. A fancy came into my head, that I would entertain the
king and queen with an English tune upon this instrument. But this
appeared extremely difficult: for the spinet was near sixty feet long, each key
being almost a foot wide, so that with my arms extended I could not reach to
above five keys, and to press them down required a good smart stroke with my
fist, which would be too great a labour, and to no purpose. The method I
contrived was this: I prepared two round sticks, about the bigness of common
cudgels; they were thicker at one end than the other, and I covered the thicker
ends with pieces of a mouse’s skin, that by rapping on them I might neither
damage the tops of the keys nor interrupt the sound. Before the spinet a
bench was placed, about four feet below the keys, and I was put upon the
bench. I ran sideling upon it, that way and this, as fast as I could,
banging the proper keys with my two sticks, and made a shift to play a jig, to
the great satisfaction of both their majesties; but it was the most violent
exercise I ever underwent; and yet I could not strike above sixteen keys, nor
consequently play the bass and treble together, as other artists do; which was
a great disadvantage to my performance.
The king,
who, as I before observed, was a prince of excellent understanding, would
frequently order that I should be brought in my box, and set upon the table in
his closet: he would then command me to bring one of my chairs out of the box,
and sit down within three yards distance upon the top of the cabinet, which
brought me almost to a level with his face. In this manner I had several
conversations with him. I one day took the freedom to tell his majesty,
“that the contempt he discovered towards Europe, and the rest of the world, did
not seem answerable to those excellent qualities of mind that he was master of;
that reason did not extend itself with the bulk of the body; on the contrary,
we observed in our country, that the tallest persons were usually the least
provided with it; that among other animals, bees and ants had the reputation of
more industry, art, and sagacity, than many of the larger kinds; and that, as
inconsiderable as he took me to be, I hoped I might live to do his majesty some
signal service.” The king heard me with attention, and began to conceive
a much better opinion of me than he had ever before. He desired “I would
give him as exact an account of the government of England as I possibly could;
because, as fond as princes commonly are of their own customs (for so he
conjectured of other monarchs, by my former discourses), he should be glad to
hear of any thing that might deserve imitation.”
Imagine
with thyself, courteous reader, how often I then wished for the tongue of
Demosthenes or Cicero, that might have enabled me to celebrate the praise of my
own dear native country in a style equal to its merits and felicity.
I began my
discourse by informing his majesty, that our dominions consisted of two
islands, which composed three mighty kingdoms, under one sovereign, beside our
plantations in America. I dwelt long upon the fertility of our soil, and
the temperature of our climate. I then spoke at large upon the
constitution of an English parliament; partly made up of an illustrious body
called the House of Peers; persons of the noblest blood, and of the most
ancient and ample patrimonies. I described that extraordinary care always
taken of their education in arts and arms, to qualify them for being
counsellors both to the king and kingdom; to have a share in the legislature;
to be members of the highest court of judicature, whence there can be no
appeal; and to be champions always ready for the defence of their prince and
country, by their valour, conduct, and fidelity. That these were the
ornament and bulwark of the kingdom, worthy followers of their most renowned
ancestors, whose honour had been the reward of their virtue, from which their
posterity were never once known to degenerate. To these were joined
several holy persons, as part of that assembly, under the title of bishops,
whose peculiar business is to take care of religion, and of those who instruct
the people therein. These were searched and sought out through the whole
nation, by the prince and his wisest counsellors, among such of the priesthood
as were most deservedly distinguished by the sanctity of their lives, and the
depth of their erudition; who were indeed the spiritual fathers of the clergy
and the people.
That the
other part of the parliament consisted of an assembly called the House of
Commons, who were all principal gentlemen, freely picked and culled out by the
people themselves, for their great abilities and love of their country, to
represent the wisdom of the whole nation. And that these two bodies made
up the most august assembly in Europe; to whom, in conjunction with the prince,
the whole legislature is committed.
I then
descended to the courts of justice; over which the judges, those venerable
sages and interpreters of the law, presided, for determining the disputed
rights and properties of men, as well as for the punishment of vice and
protection of innocence. I mentioned the prudent management of our
treasury; the valour and achievements of our forces, by sea and land. I
computed the number of our people, by reckoning how many millions there might
be of each religious sect, or political party among us. I did not omit
even our sports and pastimes, or any other particular which I thought might
redound to the honour of my country. And I finished all with a brief
historical account of affairs and events in England for about a hundred years
past.
This
conversation was not ended under five audiences, each of several hours; and the
king heard the whole with great attention, frequently taking notes of what I
spoke, as well as memorandums of what questions he intended to ask me.
When I had
put an end to these long discources, his majesty, in a sixth audience,
consulting his notes, proposed many doubts, queries, and objections, upon every
article. He asked, “What methods were used to cultivate the minds and
bodies of our young nobility, and in what kind of business they commonly spent
the first and teachable parts of their lives? What course was taken to
supply that assembly, when any noble family became extinct? What
qualifications were necessary in those who are to be created new lords: whether
the humour of the prince, a sum of money to a court lady, or a design of
strengthening a party opposite to the public interest, ever happened to be the
motive in those advancements? What share of knowledge these lords had in
the laws of their country, and how they came by it, so as to enable them to
decide the properties of their fellow-subjects in the last resort?
Whether they were always so free from avarice, partialities, or want, that a
bribe, or some other sinister view, could have no place among them?
Whether those holy lords I spoke of were always promoted to that rank upon account
of their knowledge in religious matters, and the sanctity of their lives; had
never been compliers with the times, while they were common priests; or slavish
prostitute chaplains to some nobleman, whose opinions they continued servilely
to follow, after they were admitted into that assembly?”
He then
desired to know, “What arts were practised in electing those whom I called
commoners: whether a stranger, with a strong purse, might not influence the
vulgar voters to choose him before their own landlord, or the most considerable
gentleman in the neighbourhood? How it came to pass, that people were so
violently bent upon getting into this assembly, which I allowed to be a great
trouble and expense, often to the ruin of their families, without any salary or
pension? because this appeared such an exalted strain of virtue and public
spirit, that his majesty seemed to doubt it might possibly not be always
sincere.” And he desired to know, “Whether such zealous gentlemen could
have any views of refunding themselves for the charges and trouble they were at
by sacrificing the public good to the designs of a weak and vicious prince, in
conjunction with a corrupted ministry?” He multiplied his questions, and
sifted me thoroughly upon every part of this head, proposing numberless
inquiries and objections, which I think it not prudent or convenient to repeat.
Upon what
I said in relation to our courts of justice, his majesty desired to be
satisfied in several points: and this I was the better able to do, having been
formerly almost ruined by a long suit in chancery, which was decreed for me
with costs. He asked, “What time was usually spent in determining between
right and wrong, and what degree of expense? Whether advocates and
orators had liberty to plead in causes manifestly known to be unjust,
vexatious, or oppressive? Whether party, in religion or politics, were
observed to be of any weight in the scale of justice? Whether those
pleading orators were persons educated in the general knowledge of equity, or
only in provincial, national, and other local customs? Whether they or
their judges had any part in penning those laws, which they assumed the liberty
of interpreting, and glossing upon at their pleasure? Whether they had
ever, at different times, pleaded for and against the same cause, and cited
precedents to prove contrary opinions? Whether they were a rich or a poor
corporation? Whether they received any pecuniary reward for pleading, or
delivering their opinions? And particularly, whether they were ever
admitted as members in the lower senate?”
He fell
next upon the management of our treasury; and said, “he thought my memory had
failed me, because I computed our taxes at about five or six millions a-year,
and when I came to mention the issues, he found they sometimes amounted to more
than double; for the notes he had taken were very particular in this point,
because he hoped, as he told me, that the knowledge of our conduct might be
useful to him, and he could not be deceived in his calculations. But, if
what I told him were true, he was still at a loss how a kingdom could run out
of its estate, like a private person.” He asked me, “who were our
creditors; and where we found money to pay them?” He wondered to hear me
talk of such chargeable and expensive wars; “that certainly we must be a
quarrelsome people, or live among very bad neighbours, and that our generals
must needs be richer than our kings.” He asked, what business we had out
of our own islands, unless upon the score of trade, or treaty, or to defend the
coasts with our fleet?” Above all, he was amazed to hear me talk of a
mercenary standing army, in the midst of peace, and among a free people.
He said, “if we were governed by our own consent, in the persons of our
representatives, he could not imagine of whom we were afraid, or against whom
we were to fight; and would hear my opinion, whether a private man’s house
might not be better defended by himself, his children, and family, than by
half-a-dozen rascals, picked up at a venture in the streets for small wages,
who might get a hundred times more by cutting their throats?”
He laughed
at my “odd kind of arithmetic,” as he was pleased to call it, “in reckoning the
numbers of our people, by a computation drawn from the several sects among us,
in religion and politics.” He said, “he knew no reason why those, who
entertain opinions prejudicial to the public, should be obliged to change, or
should not be obliged to conceal them. And as it was tyranny in any
government to require the first, so it was weakness not to enforce the second:
for a man may be allowed to keep poisons in his closet, but not to vend them
about for cordials.”
He
observed, “that among the diversions of our nobility and gentry, I had
mentioned gaming: he desired to know at what age this entertainment was usually
taken up, and when it was laid down; how much of their time it employed;
whether it ever went so high as to affect their fortunes; whether mean, vicious
people, by their dexterity in that art, might not arrive at great riches, and
sometimes keep our very nobles in dependence, as well as habituate them to vile
companions, wholly take them from the improvement of their minds, and force
them, by the losses they received, to learn and practise that infamous
dexterity upon others?”
He was
perfectly astonished with the historical account gave him of our affairs during
the last century; protesting “it was only a heap of conspiracies, rebellions,
murders, massacres, revolutions, banishments, the very worst effects that
avarice, faction, hypocrisy, perfidiousness, cruelty, rage, madness, hatred,
envy, lust, malice, and ambition, could produce.”
His
majesty, in another audience, was at the pains to recapitulate the sum of all I
had spoken; compared the questions he made with the answers I had given; then
taking me into his hands, and stroking me gently, delivered himself in these
words, which I shall never forget, nor the manner he spoke them in: “My little
friend Grildrig, you have made a most admirable panegyric upon your country;
you have clearly proved, that ignorance, idleness, and vice, are the proper
ingredients for qualifying a legislator; that laws are best explained,
interpreted, and applied, by those whose interest and abilities lie in
perverting, confounding, and eluding them. I observe among you some lines
of an institution, which, in its original, might have been tolerable, but these
half erased, and the rest wholly blurred and blotted by corruptions. It
does not appear, from all you have said, how any one perfection is required
toward the procurement of any one station among you; much less, that men are
ennobled on account of their virtue; that priests are advanced for their piety
or learning; soldiers, for their conduct or valour; judges, for their
integrity; senators, for the love of their country; or counsellors for their
wisdom. As for yourself,” continued the king, “who have spent the
greatest part of your life in travelling, I am well disposed to hope you may
hitherto have escaped many vices of your country. But by what I have
gathered from your own relation, and the answers I have with much pains wrung
and extorted from you, I cannot but conclude the bulk of your natives to be the
most pernicious race of little odious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl
upon the surface of the earth.”
To be continued
